November 02, 2012

"Survey This!"

Says,"Assure yourself a cart"
Means,"We were able to shit-can three people, besides you were coming in anyway" 
To tell you the truth this idea didn't bother me as much as what transpired before and after I noticed this sign. Mrs. G and I got an early start last Sunday and decided to hit the 'Buy Jumbo' for our 96pk toilet tissue and pallet of tangelos. There was still a gallon left in the five gallon pail of Peter Pan. We got inside the first set of hanger doors and scanned the runway for a cart. There wasn't one within binocular view. I handed Mrs. G the GPS and headed back outside for a cart. I pulled one from the cart  garage. I didn't really pay any attention to the sign. I did however think to myself, "Boy, they must have been swamped yesterday. They didn't even get a chance to collect the carts and bring them inside." I grabbed the handle of  'Ole Wobbly Wheels' and headed back inside. I was instantly surrounded by a group of smiley faces with aprons and clipboards. They wanted to know if I could spare a minute to take a survey. What about this old-man scowl didn't you get? At my age any time wasted on cart patrol on a Sunday morning is going to result in miserable. I don't think you want me filling out a customer service survey right now. In fact if I was a lawyer I would sue just for using the words 'customer service' in a store where you do everything yourself including cart collection and bag supply. Then you have the gall to ask me for my email address so you can inject even more aggravation into my dwindling days. In fact this message goes out to all you retail giants out there, "Survey This!" If I ever stumble across extraordinary customer service in your store I promise to shout it from the highest mountaintop. If you want to know how you're doing in your store, do YOUR shopping there. Don't let them know your coming. Put on your baseball hat and sweatpants and go shopping. You will save thousands of dollars on surveys and survey takers. I am sure if you get all the way inside and you can't find a cart at 10am on a Sunday morning the last thing you will feel like doing is taking a survey. Smarten up retail America. Here's the formula, write it down. 
Keep it clean + Keep it full + Charge a fair price + Bring back 'polite' = Success (no survey needed). Oh yeah, I forgot. I did finally notice the sign when I was returning Little Miss Squeak N' Not Turn. I tucked her safely in the jam packed cart garage out there near Mile Marker #2, Row #49. I just hope I remember to grab a cart next week when I come back for my fresh pail of Peter Pan and the 64oz Heinz 2pk. You never know when you might get company. 

* This rant was for entertainment purposes only and is in no way a reflection on my normally jovial and pleasant personality. Oh, one more thing. I only used Peter Pan peanut butter because it sounded better. Mrs. G prefers Jif, all choosey mothers do. 


  1. I'm sorry, but I'm laughing out loud, no initials. I can empathize with the frustration, but I gotta tell you, "Mile Marker #2" almost sent me over the edge. Maybe it should be like a bowling alley, but instead of renting bowling shoes you rent roller blades....

  2. Great writing John. I too laughed at it.

  3. Aah -- maybe wrote in jest but can be so true of some stores -- barbara